Skip to main content

Solving Problems Takes Equals

There is a pervasive myth that somehow happy couples just agree on everything automatically all the time. Believing this myth, we enter relationships convinced that whatever problems or differences we have with our partners will be easy to solve. But, in reality, the individuals who make up a partnership will disagree frequently, and often struggle over even minor issues.
In the course of building and sustaining a lifetime relationship, every couple encounters many problems.

Different backgrounds and experience, discordant perception of each other and events, unequal rates of education and growth, conflicting needs for self-expression and contact, and differing values and beliefs about relationships complicate and often block attempts at creating partnership together.
If you or your partner believe you have to "win" in a relationship, you'll tend to compete rather than cooperate. Earlier in life, you may have learned to believe that if you aren't the best, don't fight hard, or manipulate you won't get what you want, so you either fight to win, or give up. As partners, you struggle because you believe it's the way to get your needs met.
This kind of competition becomes stressful, counter-productive and toxic, poisoning the relationship by turning you into adversaries, and undermining the mutual support and encouragement you need to succeed in your relationship.
Differences can be frightening, and make resolving problems and conflicts with your partner tense and difficult. In a relationship intimate enough that you feel a deep bonding or sense of commingled identity, it's easy to experience disagreements as threatening. Disagreeing seems to indicate you are separate individuals who perceive everything differently, and have different needs and wants, and create fear that you'll be rejected or disapproved of if you are different.
Relationship models based on the idea that one person must lead and the other follow, or one "win" and the other "lose" can easily become power struggles, where the partners fight bitterly. Each partner struggles to be in control, or they avoid disagreements altogether because it isn't worth the struggle. Hence they spend a lot of their time either fighting for what they want or feeling deprived.
The belief that someone has to be in charge of the relationship causes couples to compete for power rather than cooperate. Otherwise loving partners can struggle because they believe it's the way to get their needs met. Between partners in intimate relationships competition becomes stressful, counter-productive and toxic, poisoning the relationship by turning us into adversaries, and undermining the mutual support and encouragement vital to satisfactory relationships.
Sometimes relationship problems are only indirectly connected to your partnership: your car breaks down, your kids need to get to school, your boss is difficult to get along with. These issues become partnership problems because you bring their effects, big and small, into the relationship with you. Anger at your unreasonable boss can quickly become a difficult evening with your partner if you bring your frustration home, are irritable, and the two of you wind up arguing unnecessarily.
Unskilled couples easily become tangled in a web of blaming, hurt and anger and, after years of similar unresolved conflicts, can build a backlog of bitterness that can't be healed.
Some problems are directly related to your relationship: you fight about housework, time, money, child care or sex. One or both of you becomes hurt or angry. For couples who don't know how to cooperate, such issues can escalate into a big problem or accumulate over time. When problems cause friction and never get resolved, they undermine an otherwise loving and viable partnership.
Only recently have psychologists and sociologists begun to discuss the elements of effective decision-making. Among other discoveries, they found that decision making (even in business) is more effective when everyone contributes their views of priorities, needs, wants, goals, and their thoughts about possible solutions. This cooperative approach means that both contribute their understanding to the problem (which often makes it clearer) and both feel involved in the process and committed to the success of the solution they agree upon.


Popular posts from this blog

Strategies which Determine Your Parenting Plan

The Parenting Plan is the parental agreement setting out how the children will be cared for between separated parents. Most broadly, it stipulates the residential arrangement and how decisions shall be made affecting the child. The parenting plan may also include agreements with regard to extra-curricular activities, education, faith and health. If there are particular needs or wants by either parent or regarding the child specifically those can be included too. Essentially, the Parenting Plan is the road map that separated parents will follow for the raising of their kids. The objective in detailing a Parenting Plan is to provide as smooth a parentingpath to follow as possible so your children can enjoy a meaningful relationship with both parents to achieve a good developmental outcome – be a well rounded person who gets along with others and is successful in life. While some parents may fret the details of the plan, the most important determinant to how well children of separ

Ways in which a Perception Of Someone can Be Defined By How Other People Describe Them

There are times when one will meet someone without knowing anything about them and then there are other times when this won’t be the case. In this instance, one will have heard about the other before person they have even met them. When this happens, one can feel as though they already know the other person, and even though they haven’t met them, they may feel the need to behave in a certain way. And the way in which they behave can all depend on how the other person describes them. First Impression This can mean that their first impression of the other person won’t be formed through being in their presence; it will be formed through listening to what other people say. It then might not matter how accurate their descriptions are, as one can believe they are finding out what someone is like. However, if one hears what other people have to say and then decides to come to their own conclusion, they might be able see for themselves. But, this doesn’t mean they won’t

Vital Ways to Be Your BEST In Your Relationships

We often strive to create healthy and satisfying relationships . But sometimes, despite how much we may try, we're unable to do so.  When this happens, here are four things we can do to bring our best selves to our relationships, and in turn, bring about the positive change we seek. Get to Know Yourself . To be your best self in your personal relationships you need to develop your awareness of yourself.  What do you value?  What do you dream of?  What are your strengths?  Where are the skills you want to exhibit?    When we ask ourselves these kinds of questions we grow our awareness of ourselves and we can use that awareness to create relationships that are beneficial for everyone involved.  Sometimes our personal relationships hit a rough patch. When this happens, your awareness will clue you into how you might be contributing to the difficulty at hand and whether or not that relationship should be maintained.  Love